Feeling pretty good today, think the worse has passed. Getting some thoughts written down has been helpful, not out of the woods, but less angry, the tension headache has gone, and I’ve removed my mouth guard. Running on ‘hate everybody’ has been exhausting,.
The thing I dislike about my ‘episodes’ is how vulnerable I become, for the past two years I have been renovating my home on and off, well paying for my home to be renovated. We are currently having a bathroom installed downstairs. To the delight of every single contractor, I have become unwell soon after works commence. To my despair but not surprise each and every contractor has taken advantage of the situation, financially and with the works that have been carried out.
I know as humans we lust for gain and wealth, we push and step on each other to be the first to get the best, our instinct for survival. I know this, and yet I feel such despair for our species. I don’t know what the answer is or how to be less vulnerable, during an ‘episode’ rational thinking or reasoning is a thing of the past., along with the guilt of the depression, I have the guilt of the people I have hurt and the guilt of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exploited.
On the plus side, my own lust for gain, during an ‘episode’ remains firmly in place, for the past three days I have been receiving countless amazon delivery’s, healing crystals and small metal pin badges has been this episodes main theme…
Its Not Easy ! 