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Winter is here and so is my depression..

My Head Hurts !

Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.

— Oscar Wilde.

I would love to be able to understand this quote from Oscar Wilde, sadly I have no idea who it is I am, or who it is I’m meant to be. For most of the time I’m fighting, acting to be a happy person, a friendly person, or at the very least a person who functions with some resemblance or normality. In truth, the person I am is none of these things, to be myself requires the safety of my home, the comfort of food, and the peace to sit quietly with my demons.

Running on ‘hate everybody’.

Feeling pretty good today, think the worse has passed. Getting some thoughts written down has been helpful, not out of the woods, but less angry, the tension headache has gone, and I’ve removed my mouth guard. Running on ‘hate everybody’ has been exhausting,.

The thing I dislike about my ‘episodes’ is how vulnerable I become, for the past two years I have been renovating my home on and off, well paying for my home to be renovated. We are currently having a bathroom installed downstairs. To the delight of every single contractor, I have become unwell soon after works commence. To my despair but not surprise each and every contractor has taken advantage of the situation, financially and with the works that have been carried out.

I know as humans we lust for gain and wealth, we push and step on each other to be the first to get the best, our instinct for survival. I know this, and yet I feel such despair for our species. I don’t know what the answer is or how to be less vulnerable, during an ‘episode’ rational thinking or reasoning is a thing of the past., along with the guilt of the depression, I have the guilt of the people I have hurt and the guilt of allowing myself to be vulnerable and exploited.

On the plus side, my own lust for gain, during an ‘episode’ remains firmly in place, for the past three days I have been receiving countless amazon delivery’s, healing crystals and small metal pin badges has been this episodes main theme…

One Problem Per Appointment Please

One problem at at a time, it seems reasonable enough, ten minutes to express how you’re feeling.

Its a different GP every time, I could spend the whole ten minutes just updating where I left off with the last GP…

I have to make a choice, one problem, which one is going to kill me first.

What do I start with, the lack of sleep, the constant eating, the anger, the anger, the anger, the frustration with the anger, medications, help available, crises support…

Current main concern is hand sanitiser, little more, did I sanitise both hands, what did I touch, Oh god I’m going to get ill, I’m already ill…I have now been ranting to the doctor about hand sanitiser for ten minutes.

On my way out I make another appointment….I have however been given a NHS crises telephone number to call…should I need to.

World Of Loneliness

The past couple of weeks has been difficult, bleak and dark. My depression arrived, I’m back on the medication. For a while there seemed to be no reason for the pain and anger, reassuring voices, reasoning and confusion. Today was the first day back, there’s some bridges that need fixing…

The last twenty years has followed the same format, alienating myself from friends, family and loved ones. I don’t want to see people, I don’t want them to see what I have become, I have no conversation, only memory’s of the past. The telephone never rings, the invitations no longer arrive.

I have created this world of loneliness, and now I must survive in it.